I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Randomize
