Jerry, you need to find god
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
