Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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