So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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