You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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