when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
