I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
