What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
