I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
