I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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