Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
