yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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