Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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