she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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