I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I'm always down for nudity.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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