I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
