Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
