I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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