my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
