She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
