I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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