im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
