I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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