he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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