If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
