i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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