life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
