we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
