I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
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