i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
