I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
