woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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