from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
