You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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