If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
