Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
