so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Randomize
