trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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