The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
