that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
