i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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