True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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