the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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