My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
