conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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