Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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