Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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