Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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