I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
