I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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